The past is like an addiction - the drug that calls us back when we have that need for something familiar, something that nurtures, something that reminds us of who we are, or why we are here, or even that we are here.  

In the words of Baudelaire, is it perhaps the past then, the past "whose one care is to understand, the grievous secret which makes me sad"?  

Or is it "Heautonimoroumenos"?  

Am I the false chord in the divine symphony, thanks to the voracious Irony which shakes and bites me?  

The vampire of my own heart?

I am reading again.  Trying to read the countless number of books I have on my shelves.  Non-fiction, educational books, subjects that relate to my current interests or the world around me, even the trashiest of novels, usually so easy to read - nothing.  Nothing that is calling out to me, except the same ones that have pages earmarked and highlighted.  The same ones that I have read countless times, that I still find comfort in.   Books that will never be found on my "favorite books" list, because then they are no longer mine.  Because then it's no longer my lonely place.  My lonely, solitary place that makes me feel comforted.   The doorway into that place, that place where the inner demons call out and in loving voices say "Come back-we know you.  There's a place for you here... let us help you remember..."

I wonder what that means though.   Is it a true test of strength and courage to turn away?  Or does it say something about the fact that I want to go back?  That I want to feel ensconced in that place that's so cold, that is really my own minds imagination?  Am I a slave to this dance? Happily pirouetting back into this darkness?  

And if I want to stop, do I do something about it?  Take his suggestion, like I know I should?  Or is that admitting defeat?  And is that what I want?  Do I really want to be saved and have to go to that place that is no longer me?  That place that keeps me on the outside looking in...?  That place where I abandon myself?  The saddest of all places, like a creature abandoning her own art, losing the emotions and living the facade...?

In my soul

 there is a temple, a shrine, a mosque, a church 

where I kneel.

Prayer should bring us to an altar where no walls or names exist.

Is there not a region of love where the sovereignty is illumined nothing, 

where ecstasy get poured into itself and becomes lost, 

where the wing is fully alive but has no mind or body?

In my soul

 there is a temple, a shrine, a mosque, a church 

that dissolve, 

that dissolve into God.

Rabia of Basra (c.717-801)

4 days into my juice fasting (but okay, if you have been reading my twitter updates, you know I have been cheating) - but anyway, I am doing better than my last juice fast, which included way too many vanilla soy chais and cappucino lattes...I am amazed at the detox symptoms, nevertheless.  Not the physical, purging body toxins symptoms, but the mental ones.  Not really even emotional, just mental.  I am a bit edgy and short circuited, which is somewhat normal for me, but I also feel really good!   Still in the whole dynamic of it all, but I am in a place where I am easily letting go of emotional toxins along with the physical.  I did break the fast this evening with some shiraz and veggies, and olives, but I am eager to continue this process and ease back into the raw lifestyle.   

Unfortunately, for me, complete raw does not work well for me, or so Ayurveda says, but I still embrace the whole life and organic way - using a holistic approach that is specific to my needs, and ever evolving as such.  

Now, that being said, I have discovered a new addiction to cooking. And not just any cooking, but baking.  Baking SWEETS.  (My kids love and hate it at the same time - not all experiments come out kosher)   I just can't stop - I think I want to open a bakery.   I think I will just blog and bake.   

.....why can't I just be addicted to exercising?!

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration.  The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.

I love that.  It says so much, beautifully and perfectly.  Thank you for everything...

Ironic, but one of the most intimate acts

of our body is 

death.

So beautiful appeared my death-knowing who then I would kiss,

I died a thousand times before I died.

"Die before you die," said the Prophet

Muhammad.

Have wings that feared ever

touched the Sun?

I was born when all I once 

feared-I could

love.

Rabia of Basra (c. 717-801)

So, this past week was spent with about 50,000 of my closest real estate friends. Anybody who's anybody in the commercial real estate world at least knows about the annual ICSC retailers convention in Las Vegas. Deal making, resourcing and lots of networking are typical of the industry. Throw the glitziest city in America into the mix, and well, you get it...

It was fabulous to see everyone as always. MasterBuilt goes every year of course, showing our support for our friends and clients and getting the latest dish on who's up and coming.

The retail sector is definitely one of the hottest industries to be in. Building "something" out of "nothing" is no doubt a rewarding experience for any GC, but how lucky are we to build some of these innovative concepts, both restaurant and retail, designed purely for comfort and pleasure?

For me, Las Vegas is another source of inspiration-as someone who is forever stimulated by sexy spaces and a fabulous design. (Remember when Las Vegas was so tacky? I mean - they are even going GREEN! Let's not think about all the electricity this city uses, and just focus on the effort for a minute) These days, one can barely walk through the lobby without looking up at some glorious architecture and snapping pictures at the ceiling! (LOVE my iPhone for that, BTW...) The newest hotels have subdued all the gaudiness that once was, and have thrown glamour back in to the mix. The clubs are the coolest, the bars and lounges the swankiest, and the stores are AMAZING. (BTW-if anyone wants pictures of some very innovative bathrooms, I've got them. Getting thrown out of kitchens and mens bathrooms seems to be an occupational hazard....)

So, ICSC Las Vegas was fun. I can't say that it's an ideal vacation destination-it still has some of that "Disneyworld" vibe. But accomplishing in a few days what could potentially be some great business and building opportunities make the conference well worth attending. (Spending your time making business calls while at the pool and sipping Sangria's doesn't hurt either.) I am not so excited to be back in the cold, rainy weather, but c'est la vie... This weekend, my pool opens at least-and I have to say that DC itself has some pretty spectacular spaces itself. I have been to some amazing restaurants and shops in the DC area.

Of course, it's always better when I can say it's one that we built (perhaps it's one reason that Chima Steakhouse in Tyson's is a favorite!) Something that I continue to work on - Building quality and good design in the DC area. Bring it on if you have it.

And don't worry, if I need some more motivation, I know where the pool is...

It's Sunday morning, and here I am outside on my balcony with my coffee. I love Sundays-and coffee, too. But I remember when Sundays was the most awful day for me-I hated that everything closed early and that life stopped for the day. Now, I see that there is so much to do, but the attitude around it is so much more calm. Or perhaps it is the equinox of time that I have gotten a chance to get things done the day before, and have tomorrow to look forward to getting back to work (which I love-www.masterbuilt.net)

Equipose-that precise moment in the ocean when a wave neither falls nor rises.

These past two weeks have been emotionally draining and have left me exhausted. For whatever combination of factors caused it, I can only hope to make some good arise out of it. Doesn't the bitterness make the sweet all the more sweeter? And I have learned a lot about myself as well-what I need, maybe even how I need to change, the reasons for doing some of the things I have done, and the decisions I have made. Perception is a funny thing-it all starts with a thought, and it is the Buddha who shows the importance of thoughts in creating our karma:

The thought manifests as the word;

The word manifests as the deed;

The deed develops into habit;

And habit hardens into character.

So watch the thought and its way with care,

And let it spring from love

Born out of concern for all beings.

Last week at temple, the dharma talk hit strangely close to home. The theme centered around relationships and using buddhist practices to control such thoughts as anger, worry, etc. Using the book "Buddhism for Mothers" by Sarah Napthali, the talk guided in ways that allow space for deeper reflections about who we are and what makes us happy. Not only was I brought back to the past, but was also moved to consider the present. So many things I have done to establish emotional stability and to create positive influences in my life. Perhaps it is too soon to face the demons of my past, or perhaps I have yet to build the strength to defend my emotional security against them. Life is a learning process and I am lucky enough to be surrounded by the constant reminders that I need to do so. I have built all this strength against the influences that have hurt me-learning about myself through past relationships, this week being so focused on that of mother-daughter relationships.

What was that about equinox and equipose?

Is it time to take the lessons learned from that of the past and apply them to those of the future? Have I learned enough from my own mother, that I can now learn from my own daughters? Napthali says, "Our children are our teachers...they teach us an enormous amount about ourselves, often exactly what we have been avoiding. They hold up a mirror for us. This, too, is humbling, for most of us learn that we are not the pleasant, calm, friendly person we always liked to think we were. Yet they also show us how generous we can be, how caring and selfless and loving. Motherhood makes life twice as bad and twice as good. There is suffering and unsatisfactoriness, but love saves us."

Now, aren't I lucky to have double the love in my life?